She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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