Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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