Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
