Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
