I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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