Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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