Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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