jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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