I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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