Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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