This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
