I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
