just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
