Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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