I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
