You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
