Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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