There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
