i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
