Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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