You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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