Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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