And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
