So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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