I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
