There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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