I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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