Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
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