the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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