I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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