im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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