So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
