I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
