Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
