You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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