God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
