haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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