Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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