I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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