I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
