if only i could text you this smell
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
