stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
