Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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