Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
