so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
