I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
