I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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