sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
