Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
