my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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