Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
