Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
