I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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