I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
