i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
