DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
