I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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