After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
